karlpejera: The Fiver | Crisis (n): when Avram Grant gives you career advice

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FROM CROESUS TO CRISIS

The Fiver knows the one about crisis being part danger and part opportunity, having read it tattooed in comic sans on the calf of a philosopher, but a different theory seems more applicable to the predicaments of Arsenal and Chelsea, who are currently fighting a back-page war for the coveted title of "crisis club". A large crisis, as Edmund Blackadder diagnosed, requires a large plan and who could begrudge Arsene Wenger and Andre Villas-Boas turning up to face their tormentors with an HB pencil thrust up each nostril, a pair of underpants on their head and the answer "wibble" ready for every increasingly impertinent question?

Wenger, himself, refuses to be downcast and has cast his eye on the Emperor's new silverware, a fourth-place Premier League finish. "The first trophy is to finish in the top four," he said after Arsenal were knocked out of the FA Cup by Sunderland. "And that's still possible for us." Friendly voices rallied to his defence but in terms that make the Fiver wonder what his enemies sound like. "Arsene is still the solution," trilled Emmanuel Petit. "[The players] are playing like they don't know what's going on, they don't know what to do on the pitch. Mentally, they are very weak."

Wenger's predecessor but one, George Graham, is of a similar view, saying the board and "Silent" Stan Kroenke may be beginning to harbour doubts but will give him the opportunity to overhaul his squad in the summer. Most hacks agree that Wenger has another two years to turn it around and will have a �50m war chest to invest to spark the required revolution. But they're not saying whether that includes the income from flogging Robin van Persie.

Chelsea's visit to Napoli, meanwhile, has given the poets in the pack the chance to give the "See Naples and die" line a twist that concludes with the termination of Villas-Boas's contract at Stamford Bridge. The intervention of Roman Abramovich over the past fortnight, turning up to the training ground to talk to the manager and his squad, have allowed the segue from Croesus to crisis to take hold but done little to stem the mutinous vibes, confirmed by the Portuguese, emanating from Cobham.

For the last-16 tie against Napoli, Villas-Boas is faced with the dilemma of persevering with Fernando Torres, the derelict shell of a formerly formidable striker, or turning to Didier Drogba to lead the line. Drogba's motivational talk in the tunnel at St Andrew's was used by ESPN as a weapon to attack Villas-Boas's loss of control but the manager has given enough hints that his patience with Torres has finally been eroded. There seems to be a general lack of conviction, though, about his team's prospects on Tuesday. "The players will have a different outlook," he said, understandably going for a blandishment in preference to offering a hostage to fortune. It's the modern equivalent of a "no comment" but that hasn't prevented it being spun.

Speaking of the bleedin' obvious, Uncle Avram Grant has been offering his fellow potential scapegoat some of his human resources experience. "My advice to Andre," Grant says, "is to try and do his job and win games. What will happen will happen. It's important for any manager to realise that any day could be your last." Perhaps that's the very definition of the word: crisis (n): when Avram Grant gives you career advice.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Even when we went four, five and six up, my players were still trying to get another goal. That is the proper way to show respect to a football team. Although no one wants to lose by six, we haven't gone out there to undermine them or belittle them" - does anyone understand a word Kenny Dalglish says anymore?

FIVER LETTERS

"Re: Friday's Quote of the Day. Not surprising that 'of all people', Alison Moyet was supportive of Stan Collymore, as she is a Southend fan and Collymore was formerly of that parish" - Steve McCormack.

"Why 'of all people'? Stan Collymore played for SUFC and we love him. V funny how you did that 80s list thing though. Well done you" - Alison Moyet.

"Re: the Zlatan iPad app (Friday's last line). 'For many, the Zlatan book was their first real reading experience,' said Zlatan Ibrahimovic's publisher Albert Bonniers Forlag. To quote the English language's greatest poet, Kenneth Branagh: 'We few - we happy few'" - Edward Lovett.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.

BITS AND BOBS

Uncle Avram is already having an influence on the fortunes of Partizan Belgrade - Iranian club Sepahan Isfahan have cancelled Friday's friendly with the Serbian club because they are managed by the Israeli. "I don't mix sports with politics and I'm not going to start now," he sniffed.

Sir Alex Ferguson has confirmed his plans to hang around his old office like David Brent once he retires as manager. Ferguson tells - and you'll like this - DJ Spoony on Radio Five Live tonight that he'd like an ambassadorial role with the club, and that he could have signed Joe Hart.

Giovanni O'Trapattoni has finally discovered James McClean, two months after the rest of the world, and has added him to the Republic O'Ireland squad for next week's friendly against the Czech Republic.

Scotland have called up England Under-20 winger Matt Phillips for next week's friendly against Slovenia. Rumours that Ian Olney, Fabrice Muamba, Danny Cadamarteri and Mich d'Avray have started drinking pints of Heavy in a bid to secure a call-up are unconfirmed. Full squad: McGregor (Pope's O'Rangers), Gordon (Sunderland), Gilks (Blackpool); Bardsley (Sunderland), Hutton (Aston Villa), Mulgrew (Queen's Celtic), Berra (Wolverhampton Wanderers), Caldwell (Wigan Athletic), Hanley (Blackeye Rovers), Martin (Norwich City); Adam (Liverpool), Bannan (Aston Villa), Brown (Queen's Celtic), Cowie (Cardiff City), Dorrans (West Bromwich Albion), McFiver (Fiver Towers), Morrison (West Bromwich Albion), Snodgrass (Nasty Leeds), Robson (Middlesbrough), Phillips (Blackpool); Mackie (Queens Park Rangers), Forrest (Queen's Celtic), Goodwillie (Blackeye Rovers), Mackail-Smith (Brighton & Hove Albion), Miller (Cardiff City).

Craig Bellamy has been included in the Wales squad for the Gary Speed Memorial Match against Costa Rica next week. Full squad: Hennessey (Wolves), Myhill (Birmingham, loan), Price (Crystal Palace); Blake (Cardiff), Collins (Aston Villa), Gabbidon (QPR), Gunter (Nottingham Forest), Matthews (Celtic), Ricketts (Bolton), Taylor (Swansea), Williams (Swansea); Allen (Swansea), Bale (Tottenham), Collison (West Ham), Crofts (Norwich), Edwards (Wolves), Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Fiver (Fiver Towers) Ledley (Queen's Celtic), Ramsey (Arsenal), Robson-Kanu (Reading), Vaughan (Sunderland); Bellamy (Liverpool), Earnshaw (Cardiff), Morison (Norwich), Vokes (Brighton, loan).

The Neil Warnock at Nasty Leeds era has started smoothly: West Yorkshire police are continuing their investigation into Saturday's tunnel bust-up between Warnock's side and Doncaster at Elland Road, when El Hadji Diouf and Ross McCormack appeared to clash.

Police are investigating after two fans were injured when a ball was kicked into the crowd during Saturday's League One game between Hartlepool and Notts County. "Anyone with information is asked to contact PC Holly Angus at Hartlepool police on the non-emergency number 101," said a spokeswoman for Cleveland police.

And Keith Curle has been confirmed as Notts County's new manager, replacing the sacked Martin Allen.

STILL WANT MORE?

Marcus Christenson profiles Edinson Cavani, the star of the Napoli team who will send Andre Villas-Boas to the dole qu ? sorry, the side who meet Chelsea in Big Cup this week.

Michael Cox analyses Arsenal's tactical approach and wonders: what exactly are they good at?

Cursory internet research suggests that Sid Lowe has heard 47,121,949,915 jokes during his life. But, he says, the biggest joke of all would be if Malaga qualify for Big Cup.

Paolo Bandini looks at the myriad problems of Internazionale, which were put into perspective by a polite nine-year-old.

And our crack team of writers learned five things from this weekend's FA Cup matches, and here they are.