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7.50pm: There's the 2006 US Open champion Geoff Oglivy moving steadily up the leaderboard: he's now got third place all to himself, having birdied 15. That's the third shot he's picked up in four holes. He started this round with a double-bogey at 2; since then, he's five under for the round. "I have it on good authority, or a very vague recollection of reading it some place, that Nick was known as Thick Nick by his fellow professionals," says Andy Caddell. "Apparently not a reference to his measurements from front to back." His IQ? His preference for hanging around in cliques? I can't think what else you could mean.
7.40pm: Couples is now in the clubhouse after closing out with two pars. That's a four-under 68, the best round of the day so far. Ross Fisher drops one on 13: he thins a chip from the back of the green, sending the ball skittering hysterically across the dancefloor and towards the creek. The grass on the bank, uncharacteristically stops the ball going into the drink, and Fisher can flop out onto the green. He can't save his par, dropping back to -3, but the grass on the bank saved him a double-bogey disaster.
7.35pm: Right, then, Sergio has managed to navigate himself down the first without dropping any shots. Keep it up, please! Tiger is also on the prowl, as I think I'm contractually obliged to say at least five times during the tournament, being a hack: he dropped a shot on 1, but has bounced back immediately with birdie on 2. He's still -1 for the tournament. I have a funny feeling he's going to zig-zag around the place like Mickelson this afternoon. Anyway, where were we with Sir Nick? "On the contrary," writes Guy Hornsby, "I didn't give Faldo a nickname as he never really had one, did he? Faldo sounds like it's short for something anyway." Or some sort of palsy, if Tom Burgess is to be believed. "I actually have a lot of time for Nick, he was a superb champion, and his wins in Augusta were some of the best I'd seen. I'll never forget his look of utter shock when he holed in the dark to beat Scott Hoch (even if he did have a terrible sweater on). Gets a bad rap, but he's England's most successful golfer in the last 40 years."
7.25pm: Yang and Barnes are both in the clubhouse on 139, five under for the tournament, and in good position for the weekend. "But how would you affectionately nickname Faldo?" wonders Tom Burgess. "Nicko? Faldy? The latter sounds like a degenerative disease. Do you think his balls up of his Ryder Cup captaincy effect his standing with the public?" Nah, if anything he was quite endearing in his hopelessness. That brazen lie about the "sandwich list", when he accidentally gave away his pairings by waving a piece of paper around in the environs of some men with long-lens cameras, was the sort of panicked concoction that gets characters from Brian Rix farces into all sorts of trouser-losing, cupboard-hiding, vicar-insulting scrapes. I like Faldo.
7.10pm: And there we have it, right on cue, a McIlroy birdie on 5. He's in the lead on his own, at -9. Choi behind him on -8 through 13, having navigated Amen Corner with a bogey on 11 and a birdie on 13 like yesterday, and five men tied for third place on -5: Yang, Barnes, Couples, Ogilvy and Quiros. Guy Hornsby "was going to make a bullish statement about how the Europeans are coming, but learning from my ability to inflict wickets in the OBO I'm just going to sit back and watch, and hope that when I get back from the pub Rory's 10 under, laying the ghost of St Andrews to rest. He really is a prodigious talent, like some sort of George Best of golf, minus the champagne, nightclubs and legendary talk show appearances. Plenty of time for that in your 40s. I would dearly love to see him win here and join the legends of Faldo, Woosie, Olly, Sandy and Bernhard. Rory would go nicely alongside that select group." Interesting that only Sir Nick Faldo is the only one in that list you don't mention with some level of familiarity borne of fondness. Britain's most successful sports star of all time, in any discipline, you could argue. And yet he never quite connected with the public, poor chap. You know he really wants to be loved, too.
7.05pm: A double bogey for Quiros on 12: two in the bunker, two nervy putts. Oh dear. He's back at -5. Which is also where Freddie Couples is, after a bogey at 16, his first setback of the day. That's opened up a bit of a gap between the two leaders on -8 and those tied for third, three shots back. If Choi and McIlroy can pick up a quick birdie or two, they'll be breaking away from the peloton.
7pm: Choi knocks in a short putt on 13 for birdie, and a share of the lead. He's -8 alongside McIlroy, one shot ahead of Quiros, who just missed a half-chance of birdie himself at 11, and is currently having a nervous breakdown in a bunker at 12. He'll drop further behind after what the US commentary team refer to as a "de-cel incident". He quit halfway through the shot, is what they're getting at there.
6.50pm: This is amazing stuff by Fred Couples. The 51-year-old is now five under for his round today, having just birdied 15. He's two off the championship lead. Hats off, meanwhile, to Ian Poulter, who pulled himself out of his hot funk very impressively, with birdies at 13, 14 and 18 to end with a three-under-par 69, at -1 for the tournament. He'll be here this weekend, at least; optimists would argue that, providing nobody runs away with things at the top, he's still with a sliver of a chance.
6.40pm: Another birdie for Donald, who is right in this tournament now! After picking up that shot on 14, he's now -4. If it wasn't for that terrible start yesterday, dropping four shots in the first ten holes, he'd be in prime position. Still, he won't be grumbling. He's been fantastic today, especially when you consider his early charge stalled with dropped shots on 7 and 9. Mickelson's rollercoaster tournament continues: birdie on 10, bogey on 11. He's only parred three holes today, and is even for his round, still on -2 for the tournament. Meanwhile Barnes can't stop buggering about either: he's taken six on the long 15th, to move back to -5.
6.30pm: Rory McIlroy is now sole leader of the 2011 Masters Tournament. KJ Choi has bogeyed 11, as he did yesterday, an inauspicious start to Amen Corner for the Korean.
6.25pm: Ricky Barnes has bounced back nicely since those run of bogeys. He's birdied 13 and 14, and is now back at -6 for the tournament. "Why does it seem that Freddie Couples' hair keeps getting bigger each year?" wonders Martin Leggett. "Is it some kind of parasitic organism that's taking over its host, or has his years of visor-wearing finally caught up with him?" Ah, haircut jokes, once thought the sole preserve of the 1980s football fanzine. I wonder which golfer looks most like he should be starring in a 1970s ITV sitcom? It's Rory Beckinsale McIlroy, isn't it, we don't even need to go down this road.
6.20pm: Donald can't make his eagle putt on 13, and leaves himself a tricky eight footer for birdie, but he knocks it in and moves to -3. Back on the 2nd, McIlroy picks up where he left off yesterday, with a birdie to join Choi in the lead on -8. Quiros, you'll deduce from that, isn't up there any more, having dropped one on 9. And Casey undoes his good work on 11 with a three putt on 12; he's back to -2.
6.05pm: Paul Casey has knocked in a 25-footer on 11 to move to -3. Up on 13, his friend and compatriot Luke Donald has found the heart of the green with his second and will have a putt from 30-odd feet for eagle.
SIX O'CLOCK NEWS: Barnes sends an admittedly tricky tiddler down the green at 13, in an attempt to claw two shots back at once, but the eagle attempt doesn't drop and he has to settle for birdie. Back on 12, Fred Couples rattles in a birdie putt, having gone to school on Donald's attempt. Donald holed out for par, by the way. Couples is four under for the day, and -5 for the tournament, three behind the leaders. And you'll note the plural there, because Choi has been met up top by Quiros, who has followed up his birdie on 7 with another at 8! The leaderboard as it stands:
-8
Choi (9)
Quiros (8)
-7
McIlroy (he's just parred the 1st)
-6
Yang (14)
-5
Barnes (13)
FRED COUPLES!!! (12)
5.55pm: Donald was millimetres away from knocking in a long putt from the front left at 12 for birdie. It lipped out, though, and he's still got work to do. Up on 13, the previously shaky Barnes gets his act together, and how, skelping a long second to seven feet for a glorious eagle opportunity.
News at 5.45pm with Leonard Parkin: Quiros has birdied 7 to move back to level par for the day, -7 for the tournament alongside McIlroy, who should be teeing off about now. "Nothing beige about that chip in for birdie from Donald," notes Andrew Roads, "although the celebration was distinctly bland." Well, he did a soft high-five with his caddy. That's right! He went there! He really did it!
5.40pm: Mickelson's been all over the place again today. A birdie at 2, dropped shots at 3, 5 and 6, and now birdies at 7 and 8. I've not seen him in action yet, so have no idea whether he's still driving the ball hither and yon like Seve. He'll be in range of Amen Corner soon, so we'll have a wee look then. Speaking of which, Barnes has just missed a tiddler on 12 to drop back to -4, but Donald has chipped in from the front of 11 to birdie and move to -2.
5.30pm: Poulter will live to regret the time he's spent taking Black Dog for a walk. Another burst of birdies, this time at 13 and 14, has brought him back to level par for the tournament. A bit less of the hot heat, blasts suffered as every single piece ever written by Richard Wagner played simultaneously in his head, and he'd be right in contention. Four shots gone in the last four holes last night, three in the middle of today's round. Gah! "You say Donald may be too beige to win a major," begins Andrew Roads. "That's never stopped the likes of Zach Johnson, Ben Curtis and probably Matt Kuchar this weekend. And a bit unfair on Donald - he did win the World Matchplay. Having said that, I can't see him winning this." Ben Curtis! The man who nearly killed the Open. A low point for golf, that was.
5.20pm: A quiet shuffle up the leaderboard from a trio who started the day on three under: Geoff Ogilvy, Gary Woodland and Ross Fisher have all moved up to four under, after seven, six and five holes respectively. Woodland and Fisher both have a single birdie to thier name, but Oglivy has been altogether more erratic, double-bogeying at 2, before picking up shots at 3, 6 and 7. "I accept your distinction between sports where the battle fever is appropriate, and even desirable, and sports where it is not," replies Jared Barnes. "I couldn't really imagine anyone being taken seriously trying to convey how feverish with battle they are while wearing one of Ian Poulter's custom-made ensembles in any case. Plus, now that I think about it, living my life with by some kind of battle fever mantra sounds all a bit Charlie Sheen at the moment."
5.10pm: Another dropped shot for Ricky Barnes, this time at 10. After briefly co-leading, he's now back at -5, three off the leader Choi. I wonder what mood Rory's going to be in today. Down the leaderboard a wee bit, a couple of minor moves from the experienced US contingent: David Toms is -2 for the day, the same for the tournament, after 13, while the ultra-consistent Jim Furyk has birdied 3 and 5 to move to -2 himself.
5pm: SANDY LYLE LATEST. "Does my official Masters leaderboard deceive me, or has our Sandy just started: double bogey; eagle?" asks Michael Hatcher. "It's like he's never been away!" It does not, Michael. And look what he's done at the third: bogey. Haw. He's two over for the tournament. I pray to all the Gods that he can keep it together and remain here for the weekend. I'm not holding out much hope, I have to say. This is a good trial run for when Sergio bounds out onto the course like a confused puppy.
4.55pm: The South Koreans continue to travel in opposite directions. Yang has now bogeyed two in a row, dropping a shot on 10, to slip back to -6. McIlroy - still in the clubhouse, of course - is alone at -7, because Choi is now sole leader, a birdie on the par-three 6th taking him to -8. "I'm really confused," begins Jared Barnes. "You say Ian Poulter's round turned to dust after he began to suffer from the battle fever. I have been trying to acquire the battle fever in every facet of my life thinking it would somehow lead to triumph. Did I misinterpret this terribly? Is the battle fever not something I want to have on at all?" I guess the battle fever is a good thing on the football pitch, when you're surrounded by 21 idiots, and the battle fever's the only language they understand, but not so useful for a precision sport like golf, when haring around the place like a nutter with trails of steam coming out of your ears is generally seen as counter-productive, and would probably be a matter for the committee. I mean, can you imagine this man on a golf course? After taking six to get out of a pot bunker?
4.45pm: Some significant movement at the top of the leaderboard. Yang has bogeyed the 9th to move back to -7, alongside McIlroy and KJ Choi, who has birdied 4 and is now through 5. Barnes isn't up there any more, though, having taken six at the par-five 8th.
4.35pm: The 2009 champion, Angel Cabrera, is playing alongside Poulter on 11. He gets up and down from the front edge of the green, a long right-to-left breaker ending six feet short, the par putt knocked in confidently. He's -2 for the tournament. Poulter gives himself a chance of scrambling par with a lovely touch from the front-right, chipping down a treacherous green to ten feet. He rattles the putt at the hole, but misses it altogether, the ball scooting the same distance past. He knocks in the return putt, but that's his early three-birdie blitz gone. He's back to +2, and with the projected cut at +3, he'll have to arrest his slide quicksmart. The clouds appear to be descending around him again, though, as he juggles his ball, repeatedly snatching it out of the air in frustration.
4.25pm: Fred Couples has birdied again! He's playing with Donald, and moving in the opposite direction, up the leaderboard, four under par. Mickelson has bogeyed 3, moving back to two under, level par for the day. And after Ian Poulter's majestic three-birdie start, he's moving backwards apace; having already lost one of the shot's he'd gained at 5, another's gone at 8, and his approach to 11 is short of the green and well wide right of the target; he'll do very well to get up and down for par from there.
4.20pm: Here's someone I've not mentioned so far: Luke Donald. Is he just a bit too steady, the golfing equivalent of beige, to win a major tournament? Well, this morning he's gone on the sort of Mickelsonesque romp you need to win tournaments like this: three birdies in the first five holes to move to three under pa... and as I write this he drops a shot at the par-four 7th to drop back to two under. Forget I said anything.
4.10pm: Fourth birdie of the day for the 2009 US PGA champion YE Yang, at 8. He leads alone: two-and-a-half more days worth of this, and he'll be bench-pressing his bag like a maniac again. So here's how we stand at the moment, after the day's early movement:
-8
Yang (8)
-7
Barnes (6)
McIlroy (5.42pm)
-6
Choi (2)
Quiros (1)
-4
Schwartzel (13)
Kuchar (6.26pm)
4.05pm: And so it begins. Alvaro Quiros steps out onto the course, and immediately slips back to -6 with a bogey on the first. He's joined there by KJ Choi, who has birdied 2 for the second time this week. Phil Mickelson, outstanding and dismal in equal measure yesterday, yet still in the thick of it, has picked up birdie on 2 to move to -3.
3.55pm: Ricky Barnes has just birdied the par-three 6th to join the leaders on seven under. Ulla Roberts could be right. I approach majors like this: whenever it's looking promising for the major players in European golf, I take a deep breath then exhale it in one dejected blast, then hang my head, waiting for whatever relatively unfancied US golfer is coming up on the blindside to cause our hapless heroes maximum emotional tumult. It's been 12 years since Jose-Maria Olazabal won here, folks, give us a break will you! (I'm not too proud to snivel and beg, so I'll take this one for the team.)
3.45pm: Some of the other major morning moves: Ricky Barnes has flown out of the traps, with birdies on 2 and 4; he's one behind the leaders on -6. Charl Schwartzel, who ended day one with a bogey, continued the downslide with another on 4, but has since bounced back with birdies on 8 and 10; he's back where he was going down the 18th yesterday, on -4. And golf's most laid-back man, the 1992 Master Fred Couples, is two under for the day through 4, and three under for the tournament, alongside our own Paul Casey, who's birdied the second hole. The Masters! This promises to be a fantastic day of golf, so here's Ulla Roberts to bring us all down: "Nice to hear that you are so chirpy as the day starts in Augusta, but i don't think that you will be able to keep it up. (1) What can go wrong, does; (2) The early leader never manages to keep it going until Sunday; (3) Where is Vijay when you need him?" (For the record, the 2000 champ is +4 after yesterday's 76; his final round of this year's tournament begins at 5.09pm in the British money.)
Oh, by the way, for anyone thinking of going out and having social interaction with other humans, on account of it being Friday, don't bother. And here's why: Sergio is last out, at 6.59pm BST! Entertainment guaranteed, one way or another. Other notable tee times (all BST) include Lefty at 3.30pm, the power trio of Alvaro Quiros, Gary Woodland and Johnny Vegas (yes) at 3.41pm, SANDY LYLE AT 4.03pm, Rory at 5.42pm, the heroic Ryo Ishikawa at 6.04pm, Matt Bloody Kuchar and Lee Westwood at 6.26pm, Tiger and G-Mac at 6.48pm, and as previously mentioned Sergio, bringing up the rear in his car with square wheels, honk honk, just before 7pm.
And the sun is still out, life is still good, and I'm going to make a cup of tea. Imagine how excited I'll be once I've quaffed it.
Also moving in the right direction is Ian Poulter. He was going well yesterday until his ball took a wicked bounce off a sprinkler head on 13, at which point the betrousered English gent began to suffer from the battle fever. Two under par at the time, his round turned to dust, and he ended the day two over. Poulter - I can't refer to him as Poults, sorry, he's a grown man - went away and cleared his head, and opened with a three-birdie blitz. He's since dropped a shot at 5, but through six he's two under for the day and level par for the tournament.
That's because the European challenge is on. McIlroy and Alvaro Quiros of Spain shared the overnight lead, having both gone round Augusta National in 65 yesterday, two shots off the course record. They should have been joined by YE Yang, but the South Korean crumbled with two bogeys at the end of his round to finish with a 67. No matter; he's started today brilliantly. After a bogey on the first, he's made three birdies in a row to join the European lads on -7.
Spring has sprung, the sun is shining, optimism reigns, the Masters is on, life is grand, it's beautiful to feel so alive. I'll be retracting all of this at 7pm, if Rory McIlroy's bogeyed the first five holes, but as things stand we're looking good.
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2011/apr/08/masters-2011-day-two-live
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